So You Wanted a Freaking Hero
by The Evil Critic From Hell
Summary: He's bad-tempered. He's devious. He's a little bit pervy. But hey, he's the bloody hero you're getting. A parody re-telling of the original Legend of Zelda, where everyone are freaking terrible human beings. M for language and themes.


**So You Wanted A Freaking Hero**

Episode 1: Let My Sword Enter Your Cave

"This looks right," a young boy mumbled to himself, looking down at his map with confusion. The map that had been given to him by that weird old woman, Impa, showed that a cave would be here at the edge of Hyrule. And it was; the map did not lie. And yet...

His blue eyes wandered from the paper back up to the cave before him. An ominous wind blew from the cool depths within. A whispered sigh echoed eerily. The darkness was bold and deep, like it was never ending. By all rights, it should have been haunting.

But this young man, Link, couldn't take the frightening cave seriously with the sign that was posted on the outside.

"I'M NOT HOME" it read plainly, scribbled on by someone with poor penmanship. Link clicked his tongue disapprovingly. Not only was it barely legible, the 'e" in home was backwards. Below it was a smaller sign, equally hard to read. "NO, REALLY, I'M NOT." Finally, as if as a side note in the corner, it read "No sword here."

So I guess there is a sword here, Link concluded. He stared at the sign for a moment, before kicking it down with one fell swoop. The wooden stake that held up the papyrus splintered with a sharp crack and fell into the grass below. Satisfied, Link marched right inside the cave's entrance.

The air was cool inside, as was to be expected of a cave. Cool and damp. The floor was slick and full of loose rocks, so Link had to tread carefully as he made his way deeper inside. Honestly, he was a bit surprised that anyone lived in an odd place like this and if it wasn't for the blatantly obvious sign outside, he would have assumed upon arrival that Impa had been lying. "Go to the old man marked here... For he will give you a sword." That is what she had said as her shaky hands had passed over the mostly useless map. But there was a mark on it, and a cave was here. So in Link went.

The farther he went in, the darker it got. Sunlight was fading into the background and it was getting harder to see. Just when Link thought that perhaps he was going to need a torch a flickering light appeared before him. Ah, Link grinned, So someone is home.

Feeling his way through the rest of the path, Link rounded a corner to see an old man sitting between two giant flames. He was unbelievably old and horribly unshaven and filthy. He wore raggedy red robes that reached the floor, along with a stick-infested beard. Clearly, personal hygiene wasn't a top priority. The man opened one eye when he heard footsteps approaching, but quickly snapped awake when he registered that there really was a person in his cave.

"Ahahahem!" he coughed as he struggled to stand. Wobbling to and fro, the man made quite a show for getting on his two feet. He groaned a few times, cracked his back audibly, and tugged at his beard as if to groom it. Once he was stable, he shot Link a not-so-sparkly, toothy grin, a twinkle in his eye.

"Well well well, pretty young lady. You must not be from around here. I bet you are here for the sword that isn't here at all. Tell me... Wouldn't you rather have a different sword?" He let out a chuckle that was meant to be charming. "My 'sword' could enter a very different 'cave', ho-ho-ho..."

The man didn't get another word out as a rock came flying, smacking him right in the forehead. He reeled back in pain as Link shot him a look of pure disgust. He picked up another rock and juggled it in his palm, ready for another strike if necessary. "I am NOT a girl, old man!"

While still holding his forehead, the man peered again towards Link, looking him up and down. He did this for a solid ten seconds before it clicked in his head. "Ah geez, it's a trap!" the man screeched. He ducked behind a stalagmite quickly. Link could hear a rustle of fabric before a shoe came flying out from the rock, landing clumsily a foot away from where it had originated from. "Begone, princess-boy!"

Link rolled his eyes and tossed the pebble he was holding of his shoulder. It landed on the ground with an echoed thud. He walked over and peered around the stalagmite to give the elder a good, hard stare. "I'm not a trap either, you pervert."

"Then why are you wearing a dress?" the old man hissed, pointing at Link's choice of attire.

"First off, it's a tunic, and this discussion is as old and cliche as bloody time," Link grumbled, waving his hand up and down the length of his torso. Then he held up a finger sternly. "Second, never call me princess-boy again."

The pervert was still not satisfied. "Then why aren't you wearing any pants?!"

"I am too wearing-" Link's voice faltered as his eyes wandered to the object laying next to the cowering old man. There is was. The sword! The sword that was definitely not in this cave, with the guy who was definitely not home. It didn't look like it was in terrific shape, with a few chips damaging the blade, but it would have to do. "The sword. I need it."

The man looked down at the sword, then back up at Link. "... Aren't you a little young to be demanding for such a weapon? What are you, twelve? Fourteen?"

"I am not-" Link's hand gripped into a fist as he controlled his anger. He took a deep breath and released it slowly. in control again, he folded his arms over his chest. "Just hand over the sword. It's dangerous to go alone and all that, isn't it?" His sarcasm was practically tangible.

"No." The old man said flatly.

Link was a bit taken aback. "... No?"

The man scratched his bald head as he let sat up a bit straighter on the ground. "Look, kid, I'm an old man in a cave. I wear the same robe every fucking day, and there are no young women anywhere. Oh-hoho," a perv-y smile stretched across his face before he grew serious again. "No, really. All that's left of Hyrule are some dead trees, Moblins, and crazy old women." He paused for a moment. "Hold on, you aren't here to collect for Teresa, are you?" He pulled his arms across his body as if to guard himself from Link. "Tell that lunatic I ain't doing it, ya hear? I'm a simple man with simple desires!"

Link pushed his lips up in deep disapproval, his eyes disinterested in the man's dilemma. "No, I'm not here for Teresa. I want the stupid sword."

"Well you can't have it," the old man said, snatching it up and holding it close like one would a precious child. He stroked the blade tenderly. "It's all I got in the world. Well, that and this robe."

"I need it if I want to save the princess!"

The old man blew a raspberry. Spit rained down like a shower. "Pfft, who needs that princess? No one left to rule, anyways."

Patience was starting to wear thin. "Aren't you suppose to, like, be some sympathetic old man who gives me the weapon at the start of an adventure?" Link asked, placing his hands on his hips and tapping his foot. "You're practically at death's door anyways. I mean, look at you. You live in a freaking cave, like you said. You don't need a bloody sword anymore. You need a tombstone."

"If you were coming here to save the princess, why didn't you bring a sword in the first place?" the man asked.

"Maybe I lost my sword!" Link yelled back. The old guy sort of had a point, but he was doing this whole rescue thing on the fly. He wasn't going to admit that, either. "It doesn't matter, really. I'm not leaving this cave without that sword."

The man stroked his chin as he regarded Link closely. "... Are you sure you aren't a young girl? I mean, your voice is certainly high. And look at those smooth legs..."

The man was quickly interrupted with one perfectly placed punch to the face. As he fell backwards, Link grabbed the sword and fashioned it to his back quickly. As the man coughed on his own back, Link placed his foot onto the elder's chest so that he could practically see up his tunic. His lips were pulled into a smug grin as he looked down on the pervert. "Wanna check, old man? Although... I can't guarantee that you will enjoy the experience."

There was a visible paling of the face as the man got a decently good look. Satisfied with this response, Link removed his foot and began to backtrack. He didn't want to be in this cave any longer than he had to, especially with this old timer. Honestly, a disgrace to men all over. If it's true there are no more young women left, then it would be completely because of this guy.

Freed, the man rolled onto his side to stare as Link walked away. "W-who ARE you?" he asked, blinking away the pain now throbbing through his nose.

Link paused at the corner, still in sight. He considered a response, one that was appropriate. One that would be the ultimate answer, one that needed no more explanation. Finally, he turned around and jabbed a finger into his chest.

"I'm the bloody hero, you sack of shit."

* * *

 **Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoyed it. This originally was posted on AO3, but I decided to utilize both accounts.**

 **Ahem, anywho. I just wanted it to be clear to all what sort of experience they will go through. This story is an episodic story. There is a "plot" but followed loosely and meant more for humor than an epic story. I hope this doesn't turn you off. It's all just meant to be good fun. This also means the chapters will be short. On the plus side, this also means they may come out pretty quickly too.**

 **I was just sitting back and thinking about all those fics that are re-tellings of the games and I thought, "Hey... Why don't I try that?" And BOOM! The satanic nature of my thoughts morphed this pure story about a hero into... This.**

 **This is meant to be short and sweet. Sometimes people take these re-tellings so seriously (so yes, I'm poking fun at that).**


End file.
